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SyFy Movie Review: JERSEY SHORE SHARK ATTACK Starring Melissa Molinaro

Monday, 26 November 2012

Ok, yeah I know. I’ve gone and done it again, but even with a feast of other (and better - probably) movies on offer I just couldn’t bring myself to reach for the Blu-ray player when I saw a movie with a title like Jersey Shore Shark Attack. Made for SyFy movies have a certain pull for me, often promoted in the horror or thriller genre, they actually turn out to be comedy gems which give you plenty of cheap laughs at the crappy budget, production, directing and editing. JSSA has it all and to top that off they are not only taking the p**s out of a 1979 classic but they will also have you believe that some actors taking the p**s out of the real life Jersey Shore reality show residents are going to be eaten by sharks, but on that note I wouldn’t hold your breath.

Starring – Jack Scalia, Jeremy Luke, Joey Russo, Daniel Booko, Melissa Molinaro and Paul Sorvino

The Plot

Do you really need me to explain it? Ok, I will, basically Jersey Shore comes under attack from Sharks, not just any sharks though, these are Albino sharks, brought to the area thanks to some underwater drilling, a man goes missing and the local geek squad think that it’s a shark attack, they plead with the local mayor to close the beach but, like in 1979, he refuses. Next thing the have a full blooded shark massacre on their hands and the local geek squad must team up with the much cooler (but still geeks) squad to help rid Jersey Shore of the Albino Bull sharks. Now I know what you’re thinking, can you get Albino sharks? Well, a quick Google search reveals that, yes you can. So keep reading it’s not so ridiculous after all.

The Verdict

Now without doubt the funniest moment in this entire movie is the part which I believe was in the trailer (although I’ve never seen it), the scene includes the now washed up former N-Sync star Joey Fatone who unlike his N-Sync counterpart Justin Timberlake finds himself booked for all the wrong gigs, he is hired to sing at the 4th of July celebration weekend in Jersey Shore and just as he’s serenading the crowed a shark leaps out the water and takes him off the jetty, I have to be honest, I laughed my ass off even before I realised that it was Joey Fatone, now for the rest of this shark fest pile of shi…….
I seem to have set myself up with this strange affiliation of low budget (edit: extremely low budget) SyFy movies again, Jersey Shore Shark Attack is the latest comedy thriller to come from the made from TV horror genre. I have never seen Jersey Shore on MTV, but I have seen its North East England counterpart Geordie Shore and I can only imagine that this movie is some sort of over hyped reality show where people pretend to be chased by sharks. You probably won’t believe this, I certainly didn’t after fifteen minutes, but I switched off Batman Begins for this trash, right when the trashy kids were bringing down the shore whilst the posh Yacht kids were complaining about it. This far in I want to say, I have seen some pretty bad made for TV movies, and some pretty decent one’s in fact, but Jersey Shore Shark Attack is by far the worst of the lot. Oh, wait it just got worse, the Yacht club kid decided to come and talk to the “so called” cool juice monkey kid, they have become involved in the worst playground fight I have ever seen. The stupidest chase ever, I’m wondering why I’m even still watching?

THE SHARKS: Have you ever seen Deep Blue Sea? You know, the movie with L.L. Cool J? The sharks in that movie are pretty unreal and that managed to get a theatre release here in England, probably due to the fact that Samuel L’Jackson starred in the movie. This pile of shit from SyFy doesn’t quite prosper from the same dedication actor wise, in fact looking right now I’m pretty sure the girl who I suppose is the lead is some sort of Kim Kardashian wannabe.

It’s funny that every shark movie, if only low budget shark movie takes something away from Jaws, the 1979 classic produced by Richard Zanuck, but this is just a complete low budget rip off that if the Jaws producers saw they would be saying, “hey, that’s the same rocky pier we used, the shark fin comes exactly the same way, what are you playing at copying our movie?” I’d say let them copy it all they want because this utter trash can do proper movies no harm what so ever.
You can imagine already with my reference to the reality show of Jersey Shore that the people involved in this movie are all your muscle bound type, especially the guys. It got so hilarious at one point during the scene on the rocks which was clearly ripped off from Jaws that this movie was just awful. The muscle bound buffoon decided that when a load of the sharks are swimming towards the bay that he should feed them with his 25gm protein bars which he never leaves the house without, now I work out, but leaving the house without a protein bar especially the way that guy looked is all a little far-fetched for me. And to think the (fake) computer animated shark actually fell for it is even more laughable.
ALBINO SHARKS? That’s not my opinion, that’s how the Bull shark is referred to in this movie, actually writing this little bit I discovered that Paul Sorvino stars in this movie, not know him? You should, this guy is legendary probably best remembered for his part in 1990 gangster movie Goodfellas as Paul Cicero, he must have been bored the weekend they filmed this or he lives just on the filming location, essentially he plays the part of the mayor in Jaws, he opens the beaches against the gangs (Chief Brody wannabe's) wishes.
After forty minutes of this movie I’m pumped, not in the gym sense of things (it is 25 to 1 (am) after all). I feel like Dexter Morgan right now? No, not in that way! I mean I have had a lack of blogging enthusiasm lately and seem in the last week to have got that enthusiasm back. Things are bad in this movie and Dexter always reacts best when the situation is bad, I have hope I have done that here by completely trashing this shitty B-Movie, I stopped by a website once that said every bad movie has a good point, on Jersey Shore Shark Attack I can’t agree with that at all.

Smile stupid fish, clearly replaced yet another line stolen from Jaws. "Smile you son of a bitch".

Would I watch it again?

Erm, No, but I think you got that already.

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